How to make a Dwarf Zombie

Togolosh sketchAs you may recall, a Tokolosh is a rather miserable looking creature that inhabits the space under your bed; the beast has the most disagreeable habit of chewing on the toes and other extremities of unsuspecting sleepers.

 

While there are natural-born Tokolosh, there is also a less natural version that relies on dark magic to bring it to life.

The following is a simple (albeit rather vulgar), step-by-step recipe to make the zombie version of a Tokolosh. It’s been handed down from generation to generation and is practically fool-proof, unless you happen to be a very big fool.

Zombie Recipe:

1) Find a human corpse that is reasonably intact and not overly decomposed. This is the trickiest step, as grave robbery is a crime in most places. Of course, a determined zombie maker will not be deterred by such a minor consideration.

2) Once procured, hide the corpse.

3) Remove its eyes and tongue.

4) Thrust a heated iron rod into the skull. The rod must be red-hot, in order to shrink the corpse and bestow its power.

5) Blow a secret powder into its mouth, thus bringing it to life and making it obedient to its creator. The powder can be procured from established witch doctors with appropriate witching credentials.

6) Give your new Tokolosh commands, sit back and enjoy.

Editor’s notes in not-so-small print:

We will not be held responsible for any criminal charges resulting from actions taken while following this recipe.

We in no way guarantee satisfactory results or even any results at all.

It could all go terribly wrong and then you will have a little Frankenstein running rampant.

In no way do we promote the use of witch doctors.

We are constantly seeking to improve our recipes, so do let us know your experiences in using this one, and any recommendations you might have.

 

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